I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
