Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
