He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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