Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
