I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
