Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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