smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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