What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
