you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize