I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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