i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
