Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
