We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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