she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
