I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
