I cannot find my penis.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
then he tried to convert me to islam
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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