my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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