my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
