I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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