If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
