I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
