I must be too annoying 4 u.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There r osticjed everywhere
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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