Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
