If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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