I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
