well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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