I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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