You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
