the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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