he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
