dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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