I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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