i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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