I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
