ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're completely useless in the revolution.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
