i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
