did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
