yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
