Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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