I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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