We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
