Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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