my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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