I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
