I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
