Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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