i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
