every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can't turn off my feet"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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