So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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