Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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