He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
