Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize