lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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