All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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