Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
