Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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