just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Jerry, you need to find god
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
