I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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