I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
