She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
