I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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