Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
