if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
