I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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