u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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