new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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