3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
