Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
