she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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